What makes someone remain in a relationship that isn't right
for them? Perhaps there are a number of reasons but I think the strongest ones
are fear and laziness. Perhaps the fear allows for the laziness—I’m not
certain, but I believe I can convincingly argue that fear is to blame.
Recently I lost a loved one. She didn’t die or move or
anything like that. She was married to my dad—she was my mom. Well my step-mom
anyway. And while she never fit the role I’ve often talked about the ideal
mother fulfilling, she had some good qualities and we had 15 or 16 years
together. Being close, hugging, talking, loving, and she became a grandmother
to my son. Not a step-grandmother, a grandmother. (Grandparents need not be quantified
as “step” anything.) While this isn’t the topic, I think it is worth adding
that she had a son. And he was special in both senses of the word. He was a new
brother for me at the age of 15, who had William’s syndrome, and who very likely
taught me more than I could have ever taught him. Anyway, so I lost two loved
ones.
So am I sad? Of course. And no. As with so very many things in my dysfunctional
world, I am at odds with myself and my feelings. My step-mom was toxic. She
hurt my dad, and my family, and me. Many times. For many years. But she loved
my son. And I still believe to the extent that she could, that she loved me.
That makes it hard to let go. Even though I know that letting go is the right
thing to do. History matters, right? How we once felt and thought matters
right? Or is it our own fear about what might lie in the future that forces
those things to have the gravity that we perceive that they do?
Early on, I’d say around 6 years in to my “parents”
marriage, I would have been around 22 years old ish. We were on our way camping
without my step-mom as she had thrown one of her famous “I’m staying home” fits
over some inconsequential defiance committed by my pop. And nobody has ever let
me forget the ensuing conversation. Dad said something to the effect of, “I
just don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just get out.” And I, wanting to
hurt my dad as his previous divorces, not to mention the 3 of my mother’s, had
hurt me, said, “You said, ‘I do. Don’t you think one of them should count?” For the last 10 years, I’ve been reminded of
that statement, even blamed, by multiple parties for the recent, long overdue
situation. Aside from the sharp words
spoken in my youth, what made my dad hold on for 10 more years? Fear.
What if we never find love again? What if we live our lives
alone? What if our children hate us for our failures? What if we find
everything we ever wanted…and it changes everything we know to be true? I’m not
sure what my father convinced himself of, but I imagine these to be the
questions. I’m certainly empathetic to this line of thought. He comes from a tiny
town. I told him once in order to change his life he would need to reinvent
himself completely. Move. Perhaps a new career... abandon the town he’d spent
his entire life in and everything he knew. I could sense the hesitation at the very
thought. And I don’t blame him. But if we only have this singular life, what
could we possibly use to justify wasting any one moment of it? Fear is the only
emotion strong enough. That is my theory.
I miss you crazy step-mom. But I can’t waste my precious
minutes in this place any longer. I’m scared about what might happen. Even as
an adult I don’t want to deal with another momma or my dad’s dating life, or
advising him on where to live an how to carry on. I get SOOOOO tired of being
the one who supports everyone else. Just one time, I want to lean on someone
instead of a line of people waiting to lean on me. But, in the end I’m happy that my dad was
finally able to let go of his toxic love. Because everyone deserves the kind of
love that helps you flourish and thrive. Everyone deserves a conversation that
touches your soul, a touch that makes you tingle, and nobody deserves to be
infected by toxicity constantly. I guess there is a balance that fear can tip
toward the toxic…but if you accept that you deserve to feel loved and be happy.
You have to let go. Be rid of the toxic, morn, and move toward a brighter
future. Accept that positive things can be yours. If you are brave, and if you
want it badly enough, I’m thinking it might all work out for the best.
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